Saarburg bombed?

Saarburg was rocked yesterday by several loud explosions on the Cunohof, just in front of the Bella Vista restaurant. It was initially not clear what caused this, but upon sending our investigator up to take a cautious look on a nearby hill, we discovered the owner of a derelict house had decided enough was enough, and taken the house down in the only way known - with explosives.

In the first place, we sent our reporter up to the hill on the far side of town with a long-range lens camera, in case Saarburg had been involved in a terrorist situation. When men in full orange uniform were spotted, it made us a little suspicious. But the long-range lens also picked up the logo of a local company on their uniforms, and we all breathed a sigh of relief.

Local man Hartmut Landei said, "I was on my way to buy some haemorrhoid cream - I suffer terribly - when my ears were pierced by the sound of a loud explosion. I thought the British had come back, but if they had, I'd have heard about it on Twitter first."

It is thought the owner of the property wants to put some urban-style apartments on it, maybe even with those fancy ceiling lights and black-and-purple wallpaper, as he saw on holiday in Wuppertal in 2003.

10 Reasons To Buy A Place in Saarburg, God's Waiting Room

Are you looking for a new start in a new place? Saarburg may be what you are looking for. Here are 10 reasons: read on...

1. You can find a decent restaurant in about 30 minutes
Luxembourg is 15 minutes away, and France is 25 minutes away. You can be in Belgium in 45 minutes, even if you don't really want to. In any case, it means you can find a decent restaurant or supermarket in under an hour. Just find a border!

2. Need to get away from it? This is the place.
Fed up with your friends and family bothering you day-after-day with invitations and requests? Tired of city life? This is the idyll for you. Being an hour's drive from a major motorway, your friends and family will conclude that the journey isn't worth risking just for you and you'll only ever have to communicate with them by social media or Skype.

3. Do you enjoy receiving attention? You'll get it here!
You will always see net curtains twitching as you walk past houses on a Sunday morning! You will receive open-mouthed stares from farmhands as you pass them in the fields! You are guaranteed to get glances as you sit down on a café terrace that a long-term local believes is rightfully his/hers!

4. Do you like to feel intelligent and sophisticated? You will!
Tired of being the worst-dressed at parties? Feel like a tramp when you visit capital cities? Not very good at meaningful conversation? In Saarburg, you'll feel like a hybrid of Meryl Streep and Stephen Hawking's more intelligent, younger brother. Beware the downside, though: witch burning is not yet out of fashion...

5. Do you hate the Saturday afternoon shopping rush?
Then Saarburg could be the place for you, as the shops close on Saturday lunchtime and don't open again until Monday!

6. Religious and feel persecuted by secular society?
You can find inner peace here, where the church bells never stop ringing and the priest never stops giving mass. There are at least 20 more years of this ahead, as the youngest members are only in their early 60s! No mosques, synagogues, temples, kingdom halls or such like here though.

7. Want to learn German?
You can be immersed in German culture and life from day one. Despite being only a short drive from three other countries, nobody here speaks a word of anything else, so you can practise your German upon arrival!

8. Learn to eat local dishes!
Do you overuse flavourings like ginger, coriander, thyme, rosemary or garlic? You can throw all of them away now - the local food is made with pork, breadcrumbs and potatoes. And any elaborate things you might want to do you can just buy ready-made for you at the supermarket, where there is a choice between red, orange or yellow marinade for your pork - simple!

9. Do you like driving? This is the place for you!
Here in Saarburg, people don't take buses. They save the transport company the bother of having to drive you home by learning to drive themselves. Very considerate. So the bus just goes in the mornings and afternoons for the schools. It is still not legal for children to drive, but there is hope, and then all the buses here will be unnecessary!

10. Do you like consistency? You will find it here!
Every year, Saarburg organises various market festivals. Every year they are on the same dates. Every year you can find the same people at those festivals, both as merchants and visitors. One year something different was tried at one of the market festivals and it caused mass disorientation, so they changed it back to how it always was. In 2009, the wooden animal merchants pulled out due to ill health, causing bewilderment to hundreds of visitors who needed to be reassured that civilisation was not falling apart.

If you would like to fix an appointment to view one of a number of properties currently for sale in the "town", please contact the Evergreen Care Home, where one of the new arrivals will gladly sell you an enormous house that they alone occupied to the detriment of string of young families who have been looking to move into the area for a long time.

Saarburg - the place to be (tonight)!

Stand by, everyone, for the biggest event to hit Saarburg since Helmut Kohl stopped for an ice cream in 1987 - SWR3, South West Germany's official radio station, will be broadcasting from the Stadthalle this very evening!

Saarburg is the venue for this gala event, and takes its rightful place alongside Sinsheim, Bruchsal, Hockenheim, Waldprechtsweier, Sindelfingen, and even Stuttgart itself, as one of the hosts of the SWR3 Elch (Elk) Parties to be taking place across this dynamic part of the country.

The Stadthalle has all the necessary features to host such an event - it plays host to various antique markets in the year, where visitors can buy historical memorabilia (see photos below), and there are numerous films shown (dubbed into German). It also has a bar, toilets and parking for more than 200 cars. Tonight's event will see record crowds gather in the town to welcome SWR3's famous DJs.

Local man, Hartmut Landei, said "This will put Saarburg on the party map, as the place to go for anyone who likes to dance. I'm just going out to buy a new shirt. Something bright, like beige or white. Who knows? We might get someone really famous here, like Roland Kaiser or Hansi Hinterseer, and then I'll need new underwear too!"

People can expect to dance to rock & roll, pop, funk, reggae and hip-hop, as well as Schlager for our less musically-minded inhabitants. So come on down, don't miss the party, and remember to dress to impress!

The Stadthalle in full swing at the last Antiques Fair

Some of the historical memorabilia on sale at the Antiques Fair in the Stadthalle.

Saarburg welcomes another shop for old people

Along with the numerous Italian restaurants, the plethora of coffee and cake establishments and the myriad shoe shops, Saarburg, known by its many unsuspecting new inhabitants as God's Waiting Room, is also The Place To Be for the hard of hearing. Having numerous places for old people to shop in means they too can benefit from competition in the market. This goes some way to explaining why the shops still close on Saturday afternoons, as pensioners can go to town at any time.

It is the proud sign of a town that has no landscaped parks, no mobile technology outlets, no fashion chain stores, no baby clothes shops, and even no pubs.

Local resident, Hartmut Landei, says; "We should be investing in the future, and that's what we're doing, even if it's the far future for many voters - sorry, residents."

Look hilarious in one of these totally crazy Carnival costumes!

Carnival season is almost upon us, and we want you to be the first to know that the supermarket has stocked all kinds of crazy costumes for you to wear next month at the craziest event of the year!!!!!!

There are several kinds of each outfit, like clowns, pirates, knaves, damsels, sailors, and even fairies!! Imagine how unique you'll look, wearing one of these crazy outfits, straight out of a shipping container from China, and how your friends will laugh when they see you dressed in one of these crazy costumes!!! Then how other strangers will roll around on the floor when they see you coming!!! There are also some crazy accessories - whistles, tooters, balloons, bangers, hats, pointed shoes, magic wands, bags of sweeties, and crazy wigs!!!! Everybody will laugh!!!!

There's nothing like a unique costume, and nothing so crazy as these, so get down to your favourite supermarket before someone else gets that unique costume - there are only four per size!!!

Karneval is a time to tell jokes and laugh. When someone tells one, please do your best to laugh, as it keeps the fun going!!!! And don't forget to sing along to the Schlager music - you all know the words!!!!

Here at News From The Country, we can't wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!