Development threat to Saarburg waterfront

EDITORIAL: For years now, the waterfront in Saarburg has remained empty for all to enjoy. Not a single obstruction lies on it, except for the tennis club. Cyclists have happily gone by on their bikes on their way between Trier and Merzig without the need to stop; tourists have not felt the urge to desecrate the river front with their picnics; children have played at home or gone to their friends in other villages; there has never been an event on that land of any kind. And that is how we like it. Empty and unspoilt.

But if a group of nefarious entrepreneurs get their wicked way, that could be about to change. On this pristine carpet of grass and mole hills, the developers want to put an urban-style park with trees, children's play area, mini-golf, an avenue of trees, with bushes, shrubs, flowers, paths, a pond, and an outdoor concert stage.

Devoid of life: just as we like it

Fellow Saarburgers, if we allow this, our peace will be forever shattered. The days when children stay indoors and peace reigns will be lost. The facts that Saarburg, officially a town, does not have more than 100m² of public recreational facilities, and spent €1 million on an car park that is full only 4 times a year along with a set of roads by-passing the town, made its football club move to a fittingly much smaller facility far away and out of sight of any residents makes us the most peace-loving and senior-citizen-friendly town in Rheinland-Pfalz.

Panorama: The view of the church from the eastern side of the bridge would be lost forever.

We  are attracting more old people to our town by allowing a senior home to be built right on the river, and with our retro-themed clothes shops, our cafés that close at 6 and restaurants that serve nothing more exotic than pizza or kebab, we are keeping Saarburg for the elderly, for they are the future. If we wanted to attract the young, we would copy Remich, Rosport or Grevenmacher, but we aren't. We are Saarburg and we want to remain unique in catering for the old.

Threatened: the gravel-strewn road where fishers park

We therefore plead to Saarburg town council to set aside a part of that untouched plot of earth to become a cemetery. This would be a fitting tribute to the people who have kept Saarburg unchanged for hundreds of years. We plead with our readership to lobby our town council to allow our patrons to know, that when they die, they will be interred right next to the place they refused to build on. And all the passers-by on their fancy bikes will know that those heroes, defending the town from the evils of modernity, are the reasons why they can still enjoy an empty and undeveloped riverside.

Traffic jam causes chaos in Saarburg

The streets of Saarburg were brought to a standstill this morning, after three buses carrying schoolchildren arrived at the bus terminal within minutes of each other. The ensuing drama which included the children crossing the road to get to their school, combined with the arrival and subsequent departure of the buses, caused a traffic jam of well over 150 metres.

The turmoil lasted for more than 5 minutes and was recorded as Saarburg's worst incident of its kind for seven years. Back then, a drainpipe fell off a passing truck outside the Zenner hardware store, causing a traffic build-up that took a police officer to clear, once the driver had reattached the drainpipe to the back of his truck.

Today's event has made people wonder if it would be better to install a set of traffic lights at the junction, but as there are no traffic lights in the entire town, the council is worried that the bright colours would be a distraction rather than a benefit.

Timetable stolen from bus stop - police baffled

On Wednesday morning, the passengers standing at the bus stop on Kunoweiher were shocked to discover that someone had removed the timetable from the frame attached to the post. Police were called immediately to the scene to inspect the area and take notes. 

At the first press conference, Insp. Waldemar Bauer-Töpel said, "We are looking at some good leads at the moment. Our main focus is on a couple of female suspects seen kissing a driver, getting out of a car and accepting some money at about 6.05 on Wednesday morning." 

This was unfortunately later proven to be two schoolgirls saying goodbye to their father who was on his way to work. (cont...)

The bus stop

At a second press conference later in the day, Insp. Bauer-Töpel announced he had put together a crack team of forensic experts from three different police districts who were going to comb the area for clues, but none had so far been found. (cont...)

The alleged theft of the timetable has left locals shocked

The person who raised the alarm, local man Hartmut Landei, told the press: "Without the timetable there, we cannot be sure the bus really will come at the time it previously did. We therefore ask the bus company to replace the timetable with the correct hours as soon as possible. People use this bus stop for their daily commute." 

This reporter asked him who they were.

"There's me, and when his car's in for repair, there's Thomas Dörfling, and on Thursdays Frau Nussbaum on her way to her Salsa class in Trier. It starts at 2 in the afternoon, but there are no other buses afterwards, so she has a drink at the café in Trier station until it's time."

And other passengers? 

"There are several others on there from further out of town, but I don't know who they are." 

This reporter asked him about the frequency of the buses. 

"There's one at 6.40 am to the station, and one at 7.40 am too." 

We asked him if he knew the other times. 

"No, that's it," he replied, "and there are buses back at 16.37 and 17.37. They're emptier, because most people don't get back from work until after 6. They charter Saarburg's only taxi driver to meet them at the railway station at 6.40, once the trains from Trier and Saarbrücken and the bus from Luxembourg have arrived and he drives them home. It's a nightmare if there are more than 4, as he has to make two runs!"

We tried to speak to the bus company about the missing timetable. They were confident they could put another one up within 5 days, once the print shop has delivered it. They were getting two made, in case this happens again.

It was noted by this reporter that it was easier to get by bus from Saarburg to Luxembourg (a foreign city) and back, than to Hermeskeil, Losheim, Orscholz and Perl, all towns closer to Saarburg than Luxembourg, and in the same country.

UPDATE  (19.30)

Police have closed the bus stop off as a crime scene, and no traffic will be permitted to stop within a 20-metre radius of it until the case is solved. Buses have been suspended from this stop.

Local butcher has "lamb", "poultry" and "beef" explained to him

Saarburg's only butcher, or should we say pork retailer, with his shop nestled in the main street between all the shoe shops and pharmacies, has gone on a training course to improve his techniques, including:

• recognising and naming new kinds of meat (beef, lamb, venison, veal, poultry and wild boar)
• cutting and cooking them
• how to correctly present products in the shop
• suppliers of other meats and correct pricing
• keeping customers interested in products other than pork

The idea is to gradually introduce Saarburgers to the idea of varying their diets. Since the recent influx of arrivals from other countries, more and more people have been confusing local caterers and food suppliers with requests for products that do not contain pork meat. These new sources of food could bring more sustainable farming to the area and at the same time introduce Saarburgers to the idea of eating dishes such as roast beef, leg of lamb, chicken chow mein and goulash.

Two cows were brought to the training course as part of an interactive exhibition to show participants, which included regional butchers and restaurateurs, what alternatives to pork there were. Unfortunately only black-and-white milking cows could be found in the neighbourhood, but it was enough to demonstrate the availability of livestock in the area.

Two milking cows being taken to the training course

Not everyone is happy with the setup. Reinhold Horn-Ochsler, a local farmer, said: "we've had pigs in this area for centuries, and now they want us to have some other animals. And what for? So a bunch of arty-farty arrivals from the city can have spaghetti bolognese or burgers. I beg your pardon, but I was always under the impression they were there to provide us with leather, cheese, milk and wool, but apparently there's this new fashion in town and we're supposed to eat them too. Well pardon me if I give it a miss."

However, local man Hartmut Landei said, "We're getting cows and sheep here! I'll be trying out this new delicacy, and I've bought a cook book from the second hand bookshop to get me started. It has recipes for cow Schnitzels which it says are called 'steak' and you can even roast some pieces of sheep with rosemary or mint. This will put Saarburg on the gastronomic map!"

Italian restaurant owner Giovanni Vaccamangia, was joyful: "I have not been able to cook a decent lamb cutlet in ages, and now it seems my prayers have been answered. I won't add it to the official menu, as it might put off some local people, but I'll add it to our chalk boards which I can discreetly present to visitors to the area."

Other restaurants in the area are weighing up this new competition, as until now, they all listed similar products on their menus. Two have already petitioned the local council to decree a period of hiatus in the phasing in of alternative foodstuffs until they can be declared safe for consumption.

Local butcher Engelbert Ferkelmacher, was enthusiastic: "Soon we will have a wide range of products available to our customers, although I will have most of the cows and the other ones - sheep - behind the counter for the protection of our more fragile visitors."

Warning tape missing from Saarburg police station - Hermeskeil sends replacements

A local police alert is out today in the Konz-Saarburg police district, after two reels of warning tape used to cordon off crime scenes were found missing from the upper drawer of the deputy inspector's filing cabinet on Tuesday. All three weekday patrol cars were scanning the area to look for anyone suspected of taking it out of the police station from under the noses of the officers.

In a further twist in this tale of intrigue, tape from a very similar reel (see photo) has appeared along a route used in a Dutch fitness club's treasure hunt starting at a central hotel and finishing in Trassem.

Some of the tape found in the police investigation

When asked at an emergency press conference if any arrests had been made, Insp. Waldemar Bauer-Töpel said that they had narrowed their investigation down to a tourist camping site just outside the town. A close eye was being kept on the area. Inspector Bauer-Töpel said, "We are at an early stage in our investigations, but if it transpires that the perpetrator came from the Netherlands, a European Arrest Warrant is not out of the question."

Our reporter at the press conference asked the inspector if he still had enough tape in case it was needed. The inspector said, "We have had a supply of warning tape here ever since the incident with the pervert up the tree in 1995. In fact, I think it was the same roll, so it has some intrinsic value. So no, we do not have any warning tape at this time. But we have asked our colleagues in Hermeskeil to send us some of their spare rolls. Theirs are blue and white diagonal stripes, whereas ours are traditionally red and white vertical stripes, so we won't keep it for long, in case locals get confused by the sudden change in colour."

Local man Hartmut Landei commented, "Since 1995, Saarburg has never been without its own roll of warning tape. It is a very bad state of affairs if the police is now having to keep a blue and white one from Hermeskeil instead of the red and white one we have here. Although they haven't used it since 1995, it might cause people to complain about the change of colour. Or worse, not know what it is for."

Hermeskeil police have today sent a job student to the post office with a brown envelope containing two rolls of warning tape. In the hope that nothing happens in the next 48 hours, the tape should arrive by Saturday morning.

Record-breaking shoe sale at autumn market fair

The Goldener Oktober festival in Saarburg witnessed something truly remarkable on Sunday: a full 278 pairs of shoes on display outside Müller-Hamann clothes shop near the central roundabout. This is a record for Saarburg, as the town has at least four shoe shops within 200 metres of each other, and nobody has ever stocked so many shoes for Saarburg's 6,000 inhabitants in one go.

An anonymous spokesperson for another rival shoe shop a few metres further on the next street said, "This is obviously a vanity project. Considering most people buy three pairs of shoes a year, if they bought one pair from each of the shops in town, it would take them 15 to 18 months before they came back to your shop. Müller-Hamann is just trying to take all our business, and we are barely floating as it is." When questioned about whether it was time to start selling something else, the spokesperson responded, "No. Shoes are what makes our shop unique in this town, and we will continue to do so until everyone ese is out of business."

When asked if Saarburg should start trying to encourage other businesses to the area, a spokesperson for the town council said, "Saarburg is good at many things. One of those things is selling shoes. We have more shoe shops per head of population than most German cities. We are proud of this fact, and I don't see any reason why we should put this remarkable statistic at jeopardy. Having only one bakery, one butcher and no greengrocer should not detract from the fact Saarburg is very good at shoe shops."

The Goldener Oktober festival in full swing

Apart from four shoe shops, other highlights of Saarburg include five pharmacies, seven coffee and cake houses (three owned by the same person), four Italian restaurants and four supermarkets. Despite closing on Saturday afternoons when everyone is free to go shopping, Saarburg has Sunday opening events every quarter. The town spokesperson continued, "Having so many pharmacies and shoe shops means if you are having stomach pains or headache, or you've lost a shoe and it happens to be on one of our Sunday open days, you're in luck because you can come on down here and get yourself the necessary items." When asked why this would not be possible on Saturday afternoons, the spokesperson declined to comment.

Music for the festival was provided by Adelbert's Rolling Disco Show, and was enjoyed by several people

Starbucks closes in Saarburg after just 7 weeks

Devastating news for smoothie lovers in Saarburg: Starbucks has closed its outlet after only seven weeks. If you remember, back in August, we reported that the coffee multinational had opened a one-metre-square branch in Wasgau supermarket with a ribbon cut by the mayor.

It has now been taken away and replaced by a stack of Red Bull cans.

How it looks now

Hartmut Landei, the local man who championed its arrival, was today nowhere to be found. A neighbour said he had last seen him at the local travel agent asking how much a ticket to Seattle cost. He originally wanted to fly to Dublin to what he thought was the EU head office, but the travel agent told him all he would find there was a post box.

How it looked before

We called Starbucks in Seattle and were told it had closed due to lack of interest. However, they had been surprised by the arrival of a man from Saarburg who demanded rather vehemently to speak to the owner.

Commenting on its closure today, the mayor said, "What are smoothies? We never found out, but thanks Starbucks for giving us a try! Maybe we should just stick to what we know."

If the mayor's words come true, Saarburgers can look forward to many more years of onion cake and Dutch tourists stopping off for 24 hours on their way home from somewhere else.

Musical Comes To The Region

1980s musical Fame is currently taking Trier by storm. The final showing of the three-night theatre production of the 25-year-old TV series has almost sold out, and there are plans to bring other musicals to the area.

Local theatre enthusiast Hartmut Landei, 42, said, "I am too young to remember when it was first on TV, so this gave me the chance to catch up on some culture history. I saw the opening night and it was so good, I bought 20 tickets to see it again on 17th October when it closes and I'm able to drive people from Saarburg if they want to come." Landei has arranged a large bus to ferry people to the theatre from Saarburg.

As of yet only the Evergreen Retirement Home has been in touch about the possibility of taking several of their more robust residents, who remember the original TV series fondly, but the head of the centre was worried the excitement of the bright lights and the upbeat, ultra-modern music might affect those of a weaker constitution in an adverse way. In 2012, twelve of the residents were treated for traumatic stress after watching The Sound of Music. A further seven were arrested for disturbance of the peace during the final scenes as it became clear they were not going to get the ending they had hoped for.

Landei continued, "this will put Saarburg on the map, even if it is taking place 20 kilometres up the road."

Fame Das Musical (German only) is on at the Trier Theatre for one more showing on 17th October. Tickets are available now either through Hartmut Landei or the Trier Theatre box office.

Urban Life Special: City People Losing Ability To Walk And Drive

PRAGUE: The rise of a new phenomenon in the city, travelling to places without the need for your car, is driving a wedge between urban and rural communities. No longer in need of four wheels, these half-human, half-daleks driving what is known here as the Segway, are making the split between city and country much more pronounced. Without urban folk buying cars, the price of vehicles and fuel is set to rise within a decade.

What is worse, these abominations are making the pastime of walking outmoded.

This will have a knock-on effect for the rural economy: without the need to walk, village shoemakers, cobblers and sock darners will experience a drop in revenue.

It is a slippery slope to the human race losing feet and legs altogether, as the species mutates.

Red Car Spotted In Bland Town

On Thursday afternoon, our photo reporter was going through Saarburg looking for a story when he came upon this scene: the cautious, bland and featureless character of Saarburg's motoring community fell into shock at the sight of a car that would cause HR departments up and down Germany to question the sanity of its driver (first picture, far left). The traditional colours are grey, silver, blue and black.

In a "town" renowned for its dormitory lifestyle of cautious, characterless commuters who close their front doors at 6 and open them only if the pizza deliverer has been called, a red car would have caused quite a stir.

Local resident Hartmut Landei said: "A red car in Saarburg will lower the tone of the entire neighbourhood. It's no good for business and will make many in town worry for several days that house prices could suffer."

He went on: "For a town full of people whose one sole desire is to make it to the end of their lives without having done anything that could put the orderliness and regularity of their world in jeopardy, this is a game-changer."

It is thought Saarburg's population of nearly 6,000 residents were responsible for the temporary reduction in the speed of broadband in the town on Thursday evening, as locals went on Facebook to see if it was any of their friends who owned the car.

The perpetrator of the panic, the car's driver, was found to be Ms Amélie Laroche, a Frenchwoman who had crossed the border for a day to go shopping in Saarburg. Having not found any shops of note, she parked her car and went to eat a pizza before driving back to France.

The offending red car on the far left

How Saarburg used to look

Starbucks Makes It To Saarburg

The American coffee empire Starbucks held an opening ceremony today to mark the arrival of their brand-new branch in Saarburg. A 40-centimetre-wide green ribbon was tied across the front of the premises, a five-shelf fridge in Wasgau supermarket, where Starbucks' 1-square-metre branch has opened. The store manager cut it in front of a crowd of 3 pensioners who had got lost looking for the sweetcorn.

To begin with, there were several bottles of frappuccino and some other refrigerated drinks to get the Saarburgers drinking the stuff, and the rush to try it out resulted in sales of 20% of their entire stock in the first hour. That's a commendable 8 bottles in total.

Local consumer Hartmut Landei said: "Finally, a big name has made it to our town. I'd only ever heard about Starbucks from watching US series on TV. Starbucks will really put Saarburg on the map, and I look forward to trying all their flavours. I'm campaigning to change the name of the town to Saarbucks!"

The town's mayor was unavailable for comment.

Town Installs Mobile Phone Mast

The arrival of the mobile phone has meant great changes for Saarburg. For that reason, the town council has installed a new mobile phone mast on the Rausch hill opposite the castle. This will now make it possible for local mobile phone user Hartmut Landei to send SMS text messages from outside the Sparkasse bank, although he may have to wave his 1996-model Alcatel in the air to get a strong enough signal.

"This news will send shock waves through the community," said Landei, "and maybe more people will be encouraged to buy a mobile phone. Imagine, you can take it out of your house when you go somewhere. I use mine so I can call a taxi to take me home from the supermarket car park bench after I've had a few drinks with the boys. I put in the number while I'm still sober and all I need to do is press the green button when I want them to pick me up. I have heard there are now phones without buttons. What use is that to me when I'm drunk?"

During the interview, Landei was unable to check when his bus was due because the timetable panel had been vandalised. A boy of 12 told him there was one in five minutes. Landei had no idea how he knew, although he suspected it was something to do with witchcraft.

Cricket Causes Local Complaints

The sound of a cricket has been causing locals to complain to the town council. The right to silence has a different meaning out here - not just used for suspects of crime, here in Saarburg it means that locals have the right not to have to put up with hearing other people when they get home and close their doors. They have the right not to have to put up with tourists passing their doors on bikes, children playing in the streets and car drivers who thoughtlessly go out with their engines on.

This latest brouhaha will undoubtedly lead to a council crackdown on the little green insects, and a Cricket Eradication Committee (Grillenvernichtungskommission) has already been set up with the task of cutting down on the noise, said to contribute to at least three complaints per week.

Hartmut Landei, a local, said "this will really put Saarburg on the map. The removal of all the crickets is a step in the right direction when it comes to our right to silence."

Helicopter Takes Off From Behind Some Trees

Yesterday in Saarburg at half past ten, a helicopter was observed taking off from the open area behind some trees. The landing of the vehicle, belonging to the local air ambulance service, was carried out to transport a 65-year-old man to hospital after he collapsed with a suspected heart attack.

By the time the helicopter had been scrambled, it was discovered he had just had a severe bout of cramp after swimming 40 lengths in the municipal pool next door.

A local, Hartmut Landei, said, "This is a turning point in Saarburg's history. Even though its journey was wasted, it shows the world that the air ambulance service knows where our town is. This helicopter landing has literally put the town on the map." Other locals then disputed his claim that Saarburg is a town.