Town Installs Mobile Phone Mast

The arrival of the mobile phone has meant great changes for Saarburg. For that reason, the town council has installed a new mobile phone mast on the Rausch hill opposite the castle. This will now make it possible for local mobile phone user Hartmut Landei to send SMS text messages from outside the Sparkasse bank, although he may have to wave his 1996-model Alcatel in the air to get a strong enough signal.

"This news will send shock waves through the community," said Landei, "and maybe more people will be encouraged to buy a mobile phone. Imagine, you can take it out of your house when you go somewhere. I use mine so I can call a taxi to take me home from the supermarket car park bench after I've had a few drinks with the boys. I put in the number while I'm still sober and all I need to do is press the green button when I want them to pick me up. I have heard there are now phones without buttons. What use is that to me when I'm drunk?"

During the interview, Landei was unable to check when his bus was due because the timetable panel had been vandalised. A boy of 12 told him there was one in five minutes. Landei had no idea how he knew, although he suspected it was something to do with witchcraft.

Cricket Causes Local Complaints

The sound of a cricket has been causing locals to complain to the town council. The right to silence has a different meaning out here - not just used for suspects of crime, here in Saarburg it means that locals have the right not to have to put up with hearing other people when they get home and close their doors. They have the right not to have to put up with tourists passing their doors on bikes, children playing in the streets and car drivers who thoughtlessly go out with their engines on.

This latest brouhaha will undoubtedly lead to a council crackdown on the little green insects, and a Cricket Eradication Committee (Grillenvernichtungskommission) has already been set up with the task of cutting down on the noise, said to contribute to at least three complaints per week.

Hartmut Landei, a local, said "this will really put Saarburg on the map. The removal of all the crickets is a step in the right direction when it comes to our right to silence."

Helicopter Takes Off From Behind Some Trees

Yesterday in Saarburg at half past ten, a helicopter was observed taking off from the open area behind some trees. The landing of the vehicle, belonging to the local air ambulance service, was carried out to transport a 65-year-old man to hospital after he collapsed with a suspected heart attack.

By the time the helicopter had been scrambled, it was discovered he had just had a severe bout of cramp after swimming 40 lengths in the municipal pool next door.

A local, Hartmut Landei, said, "This is a turning point in Saarburg's history. Even though its journey was wasted, it shows the world that the air ambulance service knows where our town is. This helicopter landing has literally put the town on the map." Other locals then disputed his claim that Saarburg is a town.